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[Thursday April 28th, 2005 at 3:28pm] En113 Questionaire about Self as Writer Modified from Jenny Spencer • Where do you usually write? Why? I usually write by myself in my dorm room with my computer late at night with the lights off and my roommate asleep. I’m something of a nocturnal creature so working at night seems to be the best for me. Sometimes, my brain tends to go into overactive imagination mode during those hours and I love it. • What’s different about where you wrote last year and where you write this year? Describe Back in high school I always wrote in my bedroom and during my classes. I was an avid collector of notebooks varying from the very small, to the very large, to the leather bound and handmade (with pictures of family and friends). Now in college I find it more difficult to write in class, and easier to write in my dorm room. I get fewer disruptions. I miss handwriting things, but typing has always been faster. I even used to have a Cybiko handheld computer, in which I learned to become an extremely talented thumb-typer. • Describe the circumstances that lead to your best writing. What processes and contexts help you? Out of the blue. My best writing happens when it happens out of the blue. I hate mapping things out and using visual outlines because my best ideas and best arguments happen while I’m writing the introduction. Suddenly pieces of other paragraphs come to me and they get written and I slowly fill in the rest of it. I also write extremely well under pressure. When I have too much time, I tend to dawdle and take my time – therefore, never getting any work done. • What kinds of writing materials do you use (i.e.: computer, long hand, special pen)? Why? I use my laptop (affectionately named ‘Ochibi-chan’ meaning the small one) for most of my everyday writing. Though, I tend to enjoy writing in notebooks using my favorite kind of pen – Uniballs .05mm ink… in pink, when I have it. Whenever I write in that kind of hot neon pink, I tend to write my best, or have the best ideas. I haven’t quite figured it out yet… maybe it houses the heart of my muse. • How do you come up with topics? Or subtopics (paragraphs) from an essay assignment? Cross my fingers and hope to god something hits me in the face. I’m really not joking. I can spend hours and hours trying to think really hard about a topic, but if I don’t focus at all, suddenly I can have the most genius idea in the entire world. Pure inspiration. Pure! • How many times do you revise? Why? Describe process of revisions? I revise twice. Sometimes, when I feel super inspired I’ll revise it once and consider it a masterpiece. I don’t really go through and cut it apart and start all over either. When I revise, it’s to catch the little things – bad grammar, bad punctuation, a sentence that sounds redundant and should belong somewhere else. It’s not anything incredible, and it may even be an insult to writers the ease I take with my papers sometimes… • What part of the paper do you tend to find most difficult? Why? … the beginning, the middle and the end. No, wait, that’s a lie. I have a very difficult time with endings. I can’t wrap up things. When I write my fiction, it never seems to have an endings. Endings bother me, I think. I just can’t wrap up anything – I feel a though my idea is incomplete. I hate them. So my conclusions have always been weak, and I’ve always had trouble with them. (I’ve had trouble with my thesis before too…) • What are your writing rituals? What do you do to get ready to write? Describe. Sit down, shut up and start typing. It doesn’t matter if I don’t want to, I force myself too… too bad it never really works. Sometimes it does, but as a whole, I have to feel the inspiration, but sometimes it doesn’t come and when a paper’s due in two days, I have to get cracking, sit down and force the neurons to snap and get into business. (oh, but I need to know what I’m writing about first…) • What do you do when you’re stuck? Describe the processes. Or tell the story. When I reach that place where nothing will come to me, I take a break. I stop writing. Sometimes I write something different, sometimes I even go for a walk, sing a song, read a book, anything to get my mind off the topic. It’s one thing to sit and write for 6 hours, but after a while it’s like trying to force the last drops of juice out of a bottle. It won’t go no matter how hard to shake it – they’ll cling to the sides of the wall and just sit there. That’s what it’s like. I have an idea of what I need to write, but it won’t go down on paper, no matter how hard I try. So I take a break. Breaks are good. It’s like buying a new bottle of juice. • What have people said about your writing? Any quotes from others’ comments? How would you respond to these comments about your writing? People have said a lot. I have had people who absolutely loved my writing, and other people who really hated it. I had some picky English teachers who pecked apart everything I tried to write, and some English teachers to would take my paper and gush over it from the very first word. I’ve had some friends who read my writing (essays and fiction) and tell me it’s the greatest thing they’d ever read, and other friends to reply with a, “Meh, whatever”. The peer review letters in this class have all been really positive, but I feel it might be because we’re all not familiar enough with each other to be so critical. I take compliments very badly. They make me shake my head and protest. Criticisms, I take a little better, because often times they’re picking apart the pieces of my essay that agree are bad and need work. Only once have I ever written an essay I loved to pieces and gotten it back covered in red marker saying that my statement was foolish and no good. Comment?

[Tuesday April 26th, 2005 at 3:30pm] Introduction: expand a bit more on the introduction. Flesh it out and include mention of interviewing various students. Data: Quotes! Take more quotes, however, try to protect their privacy. I didn't ask permission to use their names in my essay. Include some more information about animation, like Toy Story, I had forgotten than I had begun to mention it and left it hanging in mid air. Discussion: Comment?

[Thursday March 31st, 2005 at 2:44pm] A biological homage to mickey mouse pass: writing Comment?

[Tuesday March 29th, 2005 at 3:16pm] ( another essay ) Comment?

[Thursday March 24th, 2005 at 3:17pm] ( more to that next essay, please don't read cuz it's not very interesting ) Comment?

[Wednesday March 23rd, 2005 at 1:49pm] wave lengths of photons. so cool. excited atoms emit photons and there is a jump in energy levels! whoa, I mean, like, whoa. That photon tends to stimulate the nearby atom to thereby stimulate it's photon. It's like a chain reaction. "A cascade" of emition of the exact same wavelenght of photon. Photons escape cavity through mirror! All photons come from the same energy level. All photons therefore have the same wavelength. LASER = Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission Radiation. How Stars Form, Angular Momentum What Causes the collapse? 1) accrection -clumps collide -new mass overcomes internal pressure 2) gravity and radiation pressure -pressure of starlight and gravity overcomes internal pressure 3) supernova blast wave atoms and molecules in the clump free-fall in the clumps Comment?

[Tuesday March 22nd, 2005 at 3:20pm] Essay 3 “What color is Jesus”; “The Sports Taboo”; “Darwin’s Athletes”; "Mirrorings" How/Why do cultures clash within the United States? -religions -gender -sports -race expand on each topic with examples and quotes from each essay. provide outside source information...? ( What Color is Jesus ) ( The Sports Taboo ) Comment?

[Thursday March 3rd, 2005 at 3:26pm] Proofreading/Revision Checklist PROCESS *Proofread OUT LOUD backwards. Then proof OUT LOUD forwards ESSAY LEVEL: -Interesting Title? -Interesting Introduction & Conclusion? -Main Idea/Thesis stated clearly at the end of Intro? -Enough paragraphs to support Main Idea/Thesis? -Perfect Works Cited Page? -Paragraph Transitions PARAGRAPH LEVEL: -One Topic Per Paragraph? -ENOUGH EXAMPLES AND DETAILS SUPPORTING TOPIC? -Perfect in text MLA citation? SENTENCE LEVEL: -Any awkward sounding sentences? (Re-build them using a few words.) *Watch for NAKED WORDS **WATCH FOR DEAD WORDS (a lot, things, stuff, great, good, bad, got, get…etc) **WATCH OUT FOR INDEFINATE PRONOUNS (Who are “they”?, What is “that”?, What is “it”?) Comment?

[Tuesday February 22nd, 2005 at 3:35pm] ( more stuff ) Comment?

[Tuesday February 22nd, 2005 at 1:31pm] You have just entered **the apocalypse is now** chat randomguy: d00d!! th3 4p0(41p$3 1z I\I0w!! r0xx0rz!! j00 iz 60I\II\I4 I)13!! hkho: Hey! Try speaking English, will ya? hkho: No one here can read that kinda freak l337 speech! randomguy has left the chat cannotdissent: that guy’s been bothering me for hours. It’s like he’s completely assimilated the nonsense of the internet culture. Just what is that mess of numbers and letters called anyway? talesfromthefloor: elite speech, or more accurately, “l337” speech. I suppose it is amusing in its own regard. adsendtheworld has entered the chat hkho: hey, welcome. ^_^ cannotdissent: they sort of pop in and out, but so far it’s just us.. four is it now? talesfromthefloor: yes, it does look like four. talesfromthefloor: one… talesfromthefloor: two… talesfromthefloor: three… cannotdissent: I can count. You don’t have to do it for me!!! hkho: !!! >_< hkho: Uhm… maybe you guys can help me? I’m doing a project for school hkho: and I’ve been really looking around for someone hkho: who can help me? adsandtheworld: I just arrived here, but I suppose I can help. What’s your project about? hkho: the affect of culture and society on the world and the future. talesfromthefloor: that’s an almost dark and gloomy subject, but, you know, I think I may have a few things to say about that…. adsandtheworld: Advertisments and our lifestyle of “needing” products will lead to the end of the world as we know it. talesfromthefloor: What are you talking about? The end of the world? I really have to argue with that. cannotdissent: Advertisements? Well, to be honest, adsandtheworld has a point. I mean… we’re living in a commercial culture. You can’t argue with that. talesfromthefloor: No… I can’t. hkho, we live in a society that’s built around… talesfromthefloor: someone help me. adsandtheworld: the acquirement of products. hkho: that kind of… isn’t really what I’m looking for… cannotdissent: Look, kid, all you need to know is cannotdissent: That life cannotdissent has left the chat hkho: ……… hkho: he’s gone!! talesfromthefloor: Good, he wasn’t saying anything useful anyway. hkho: I would say that’s mean but… adsandtheworld: god, can I not go anywhere without seeing an advertisement? Ads are invading our personal lives and they’re not even finding any resistance? adsandtheworld: I can’t even use a chatroom without being bombarded with advertisements. adsandtheworld: look a that banner! Like I really need to know that Sprite will quench my thirst? adsandtheworld: it’s all about the acquirement and production, and selling of goods and products and all this product placement adsandtheworld: will lead to the end of the world. talesfromthefloor: Not this again… I knew I recognized your screenname from somewhere!! adsandtheworld: Human beings are natural world are on a collision course. If not checked, many of our current practices may so alter the living world that it will be unable to sustain life in the manner we know. hkho: Sounds like soylent green. No, wait, wasn’t soylent green also a product of advertisement? In a society where there were no more resources, they began to use humans are resources! hkho: Oh god, ew… why did I have to think that!? Get those awful images hkho: Out of my brain!! Please!!! >_< talesfromthefloor: I don’t have any idea why you’re so hung up on the idea of the end of the world. Commercials are a form of entertainment nowadays. talesfromthefloor: Don’t you pay attention? People use commercials as entertainment. hkho: The same way people use reality TV shows as entertainment! I mean… commercials are the exact opposite from entertainment. Right? Like… hkho: yeah, that one advertisement, where the if you eat skittles, it’ll make them fall from the sky? hkho: And then reality TV is the exact opposite! Because it’s like… fantasy and reality! talesfromthefloor: Well, actually… adsandtheworld: The way to happiness is the accommodation of goods and products. We are practically being instructed to buy things in order to be happy. talesfromthefloor: Please don’t interrupt me! cannotdissent has entered the chat cannotdissent: Today corporate antinomianism is the emphatic message of nearly every new business text, continually escalating the corporate insurrection begun by Peters… cannotdissent: …what did I miss? adsandtheworld has left the chat talesfromthefloor: he’s gone! I can finally talk about what I need. Listen, talesfromthefloor: one woman’s misery is another man’s pleasure; one man’s pleasure is another man’s crime; one man’s crime is another man’s beat; one man’s beat is another man’s tv show hkho: Huh? talesfromthefloor: That’s the premise behind a successful reality TV show. talesfromthefloor: But! We live in a society, where reality is not enough for entertainment. talesfromthefloor: What you see on tv is not what you get in the editing room. hkho: I watched a special on that on VH1 or something. They edit stuff so that it becomes more interesting to the audience. I mean like… it’s either too interesting, or too much reality. talesfromthefloor: Exactly. I had a brief experience working with a reality television show. talesfromthefloor: In the logic of the story department, we are to deplore these small-time drug busts not because we are concerned that the big drugs are still on the street but because a small bust means an uninteresting show. A dud. hkho: So… this is an effect of… I mean… wait… so I hate reality tv show! adsandtheworld has entered the chat adsandtheworld: In another hundred years we’ll have exhausted the planet... adsandtheworld: if we do not change the way we live, we will lead to the destruction of our own world! hkho: I feel like that’s all you can say for some strange reason… adsandtheworld: Because it’s true. talesfromthefloor: You’re too hung up on that end of the world thing. We can’t immediately assume that our lifestyle is just going to simply destroy the world! hkho: I have faith that we’ll figure out something… adsandtheworld: Advertising cannot think long term. And your comments are only reinforcing my argument. adsandtheworld: You aren’t thinking into the future! You don’t realize just what may happen! The destruction of the world is at hand if we don’t do something about it! hkho: You’re worse than that randomguy from earlier… hkho has left the chat Comment?

[Thursday February 17th, 2005 at 3:10pm] You have just entered **the apocalypse is now** chat randomguy: d00d!! th3 4p0(41p$3 1z I\I0w!! r0xx0rz!! j00 iz 60I\II\I4 I)13!! hkho: Hey! Try speaking English, will ya? hkho: No one here can read that kinda freak l337 speech! randomguy has left the chat cannotdissent: that guy’s been bothering me for hours. It’s like he’s completely assimilated the nonsense of the internet culture. Just what is that mess of numbers and letters called anyway? talesfromthefloor: elite speech, or more accurately, “l337” speech. I suppose it is amusing in it’s own regard. adsendtheworld has entered the chat hkho: hey, welcome. ^_^ adsandtheworld: I swear, if this is another chat room for apocalyptic worshipers… cannotdissent: they sort of pop in and out, but so far it’s just us.. four is it now? talesfromthefloor: yes, it does look like four. talesfromthefloor: one… talesfromthefloor: two… talesfromthefloor: three… cannotdissent: I can count. You don’t have to do it for me!!! hkho: !!! >_< hkho: Uhm… maybe you guys can help me? I’m doing a project for school hkho: and I’ve been really looking around for someone hkho: who can help me? adsandtheworld: I just arrived here, but I suppose I can help. What’s your project about? hkho: advertisem Comment?

[Thursday February 17th, 2005 at 2:08pm] ( stuff ) Comment?

[Thursday February 17th, 2005 at 12:43pm] okay new cast of tenimyu. why do you have to be so cute? why do I have to have some strange attachment to you when I haven't even seen you PERFORM!? do you think it's funny? are you amused at my inability to not love you? I mean, I am supposed to be so dedicated to the old cast and then, BAM, taadaa! it's suddenly cute for you to be so awsome and young, and wonderful. I mean, why do you have to be so talented!? I didn't even like yoh shirota until I saw him as tezuka and it was like, dammit... he's talented. and I don't want him to replace takieiji... but takieiji can't sing, even if he wanted to, and it makes me kind of sad, I mean, honestly... I miss kengo, kengo was the LOVE he rocked so much stuff, it was like the hottest thing ever. I love him sooooooooooo much. I mean like, damn, he's cute and small and awsome and it's like, so many <3333333. Small compared to yoh and takieiji at least. AND ZUKI!? Zuki! why are you so awsome? Why are you such a dork? Why are you a skinny small version of Tuti in your message? "HI! ZUKI DA YO!" >> And then Asamu? Oh my god, he's so cute. He really looks like eiji... even if Nagayama will ALWAYS be 10000x better. I love him KOTANI'S FANGS!! I love kotani's fangs. they're like, the best kind of love. His engrish is terrible, but that might part of the appeal. I mean, I totally appreciate him, he's just... he oozes cute outta every angle, it's not even funny. And every time I see him his age changes. He looks old, and then he looks young, and then he looks old, and then he looks young, and then old, young, old, young, old, young, old, young, old young... Ahh!! And JURI is soooo awsome. he's got that "BUH" expression down pat! I admire his l337 akutsu moves. I mean, it's so like "WHOA" Like so much WHOA it makes me sooo the happy. <3333 and AHHH!! Araki and Kujirai are the cutest guys EVER. I mean, Araki is sooo hot. he makes the best inui ever. sorry souta... but something about Araki screams "Inui" more than you ever did... you were too... pretty. ;_; Ah, but Souta, you'd make a nice Renji. I always thought Renji was prettier than Inui anyway. At least in the anime. Manga Inui ooozes smex outta every pore. Comment?

[Tuesday February 15th, 2005 at 3:33pm] click here ( advertising and the end of the world ) Comment?

[Tuesday February 15th, 2005 at 1:25pm] Thomas Frank – “Why Johnny Can’t Dissent” Debra Seagal – “Tales from the Cutting Room Floor” Meeting them in a chatroom, with only four people or so, depending really, on the situation and how many people I want to talk to. Or rather, have a conversation with. The conver Thomas Frank “The patron saints of the countercultural idea are, of course, the Beats, who’s frenzied style and merry alienation still maintain a powerful grip on the American imagination” (112) -are they really? I mean, there tends to be quite a bit of influence—but you state that they influence everything else. And some utter nonsense and such, and all that jibber jabber type things that happen in life and etc. “The most startling revelation to emerge from the Burroughs/Nike partnership is not that coporate America has overwhelmed it’s cultural foes or that Burroughs can somehow remain ‘subversive’ through it all, but the complete lack of dissonance between the two sides.” (115) -actually, I agree with the words following this statement... with how Burroughs has neither become subversive or submissive, but what’s changed is business. “Contemporary corporate fantasy imagines a world of ceaseless, turbulent change, of centers that ecstatically fail to hold, of joyous extinction for the craven grey-flannel creature of the past.” -I wouldn’t know how to feel about this personally, so it’s kind of like… oh, really? I don’t know if business men really put pictures of Eisenhower on their walls and all that good stuff. Isn’t it kind of awkward? I feel that they’d at least be more exciting? “Our businessmen imagine themselves are rebels, and our rebels sound more and more like ideologists of business” -this I agree with statement. It seems more realistic, at least, from my own personal observations. “The problem with cultural dissent in America isn’t that it’s been copied, absorbed or ripped off.” -he goes on to continue that it’s been all these things, but it’s been so hopelessly susceptible that it’s completely harmless. Debra Seagal “In the logic of the story department, we are to deplore these small-time drug busts not because we are concerned that the big drugs are still on the street but because a small bust means an uninteresting show. A dud.” -very true. No one wants to see some guy get arrested for buying pot in the middle of an empty parking lot. Wow. Excitement. Whoo…whoo. “Why the national obsession with sort of voyeuristic entertainment?” -because we’re sick disgusting Americans. Need I say more? Comment?

[Tuesday February 15th, 2005 at 12:04pm] I am hot and cold at the same time. my dorm room tends to make me confused. the problem is that the heater is just way too high, and it makes everything really hot, but the outdoors is really cold, so when the window's open, it's so very cold. So it's kind of like, my top is cold and my bottom is very very hot. like right now. the breeze is making me cold, but the heat of the heater is making me very hot. heater. did it ever occur to you that heater is almost spelt like heather? i remember one time, some guy couldn't read my name so he was reading it, "hector kho." HECTOR it was awful. I felt so stupid, cuz I slowly raised my hand and wiggled my fingers to say, "I'm... HEATHER kho... if that helps any?" I felt just like... well, going around in a circle and bashing my head against the desk for having such BAD handwriting. like, what the hell? why would I have such bad handwriting? oh, because I write too fast and my signature sorta looks like a squiggle. you know what squiggles are, right? it sorta looks like ~~~~ ahhahaha, I should definately improve on that, or else I'll just think I'm stupid. being stupid makes me laugh. ALOT. The theatre guild is putting on seussical this semester. I was a whore last semester. it was a good experience... but I didn't bother auditioning. I needed time to study. Especially with japanese being as difficult as it is lately, it's really stressful. I'm getting that weight on my shoulders now, because I feel-- I'm most definately going to fail. Seriously. Fail. FAIL!! *sob* like, waaah, fail. Like, damn, I suck, fail. O.O;;;; No no, I can't allow myself to think that. That would be like... asking ot be an idtiojn or something, and I really don't want to do that right now, IZ on't want to have to put up wiuth it. lol, I sm SOOO not looking at my screen right now, so this is gonna be like, completely random typing frorm now on I really should freewr ting storeis because they make me feel like I'm at least getitng something donw, but noooo, todauy I feel like writing nonsense, nonsense, nonsense, or something of that sort, because i have no life and it;'s like whooooaaaaa let;s be LOSERS@@ tigether or something.wait, no, totally not sure what I'm writing anymore. pause look back. no, wait, can't. write write write write write... holy hell, I'm going insane. Comment?

[Monday February 14th, 2005 at 8:01pm] more free writing, I have to free write every once and a while instead of writing. I mean, I love writing real stuff, but I guess once in a while I outta write something more coherent than... say... me being stupid. LOL, I mean, who seriously wants to read my dumb fanfiction., olook at the bus, wow, the bus is just so cool. I think I'll write for... two FLAME songs? Maybe? That woild be good., or not so good, or something. Or... whatever. I'll think of it later. LOL!!! bahahhahaa, no no, really, I'll work, I swear. I'll work. No, well... I just... I'm so bored. no, I'm avoiding my homework. honest to goodness, avoiding it. I don't mind doing english writing, but after coming from a japanese review, being forced to think in english is just... it sucks. It's difficult, is more like it, and I don't really MEAN to be that bad, honest! I'm just a little "off" in the head, maybe. Well, off right now. I mean, all i can think of is like, "barabara tsumori desu" and nonsense like that. Help me. honestly. No no, I'm not that bad. Well, right now I am, I mean, blah blah blah blah repeat, repeat, I'd so rather be working on my akutsu and taka valentines fic instead of writing this, but I need to take a break from it or else it'll just end up sounding stupid. Right? Bahahhaha,. I'm so bad. Whichi s awful I need to stop repeating my self. stop repeating myself stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop. blah blah lbah blah!! augh!!! I can't think today!! WHY!? O.O!!! help meeeeeeeeeee!!!!! okay, that was totally two songs... I'm done. Comment?

[Thursday February 3rd, 2005 at 3:38pm] Turning the free-writing and drabbling into a letter? Hey, Feyla, do you remember when we first met? I know it was recently, but the memory is still there. It resonates in my mind. Isn’t that how the memory of all important people reflect in anyone’s mind? You should know. You have all those friends… and they’ve made such an impact in your life. It was the first day of school. No, it wasn’t even the first day of school, it was definitely moving day for freshman, nearly a week before classes were actually supposed to start. It’s hard not to forget that day, I mean, it’s the first day of going away from the same comfort of our homes to experiencing that dorm living. All those students and their families, saying their tearful goodbyes? The scene was something out of a movie, or a drama or a really, really bad teen sitcom. It was funny; someone just made this random comment, “Hey! There is like this GIANT room on the floor.” And as if we were all driven by this mad force to jealous, we all attacked this one room – conveniently located in the middle of the hallway: right past the kitchen, the bathroom, the RA’s room and the fire doors. Right there. Right in the middle. Your door was wide open. Was it Pilar who opened it like that? I remember walking in there and literally opening my mouth out wide and saying, “Whoa, look at this place. It’s HUGE, you could fit like five mattresses on the floor and STILL have room for more people!” And then, there you were. Doesn’t this sound like a bad love letter or something!? But there you were in all your overly friendly glory. You had that great short hair, auburn and curly. It was a haircut I had had over a year ago. Well, if I wasn’t asian with stick straight, black hair, that’s what my hair would have looked like. You had these warm, welcoming eyes. It was like, you couldn’t help but be kind to every single person that knocked on your door and said, “Whoa! Big room!” I mean, you oozed kindess from every possible pore, and I admired that. Oh, and you had that great warm laugh of yours. I think you found a great deal of amusement in the fact that everyone came by your room and lusted after it. You would laugh and point to the room and make jokes about the size. But, I did recall that you had this perfectly teary, sleepy look in your eyes that I’m sure not many people noticed. Was I the only one that heard you say, “I want to take a nap?” It didn’t seem to deter people from running into your room and once again saying, “Whoa! Huge room!” Sort of like, sad irony? You had to suffer, but for that, I really got the chance to meet you. You only meet someone once. Was I annoying on that day? I apologize if I was. Oh god, and then you told me your major? You were that crazy, super, political something or other and anthropology? That swept me clean off my feet. Here you were, talking like you were the smartest person in the world and then me. Yeah, me. The Japanese major. We met in chadbourne hall, right? Second floor – the native American floor – and coincidently, in your room? Am I right? I have to be. It was barely half a semester ago. Comment?

[Tuesday February 1st, 2005 at 11:25am] alright. here I am again, writing. trying to write. attempting to write. seeing how well I can write, managing to write, free write, free write, free write. let the mind flow, go, go at it. let it go. let it flow freely, let it be known the feeling of the moment try to open up the mind in an attempt to manage something. manage something. manage something importqant. something eloquent, something deep something special. mangage something, something, something, something worth reading, something worth spending time with, something that is relfecting of the mind, of the moment, of the time, of the situation at hand, of feelings. be inspired, let things inspire you, let things go, let things flow, let them happen. keep writing, don't stop. no point in stopping, no point in ending. continuing onwards like there's no end. going on. continuing. never ending. go go go go go till the end of time, till the end of existance, till the mind is milked of all its worth, till the sky glows red, till the seas turn black, till the moon falls. let it it go. let it flow. let the world hear your voice. let it happen. don't fight it. just let it happen. don't stop. keep writing. there's no need to end. no need to stop. this is life. life is never ending. nothing stops. nothing ends, it is continuous. it is life, it is time, it is the curse of being alive. being alive. being.... alive. what's the point of being alive, who will it benefit? who will be the one to succeed? who will be the one to laugh. who will be the one to sing? who will be the one to end? who will... so many questions, so many thoughts, so many things that can happen... don't let it end. LIFE HAS REACHED THE POINT OF NO RETURN YOU CAN'T STOP IT!!!!! IT'S NEVER ENDING!!! IT'S A CURSE!! A CURSE!! A CURSE!!! NO TURNING BACK NOW!!! you're trapped. what is it like to be trapped? can you handle it? can you understand it? it's like jail. it's like life. it's pain. pain pain pain. LET GO!!! go with it. don't fight it. life can't be fought. it's like fighting a wave. you can't do it. you will lose. Comment?

[Sunday January 30th, 2005 at 6:15pm] ...silly me. what am I supposed to think. I mean, just today I decided to watch the last episode to one of the most depressing anime I had ever seen in my entire life. Saikano. Who ever thought that such an innocent looking anime would cause me to burst into tears at the ending? The very idea just tore at my heart, like the girl I am. Girls. Why are we more emotional than men? I blame the estrogen. But... in the end? Chise destroyed the world, but her love for Shuuji forced her to do everything in her power to protect him. Protect him to the point that he was the only one left on earth. The only one. Alone. Just him, with only the memory of the girl he loved in his heart. 「しゅうちゃん．．．ごめん、ね・」 She had a habit of apologizing. Oh my god... and she became nothing more than a voice in his heart, whispering quiet apologizes while Shuuji merely held her soul in his hands. 「しゅうちゃん．．．ごめん、ね・」 Who ever would have thought that words like those would have made me cry? But... I don't know. It's romantic in the saddest kind of way. "Chise, I kept my promise. I loved you till the very end!" Shuuji cried, as he grasped tightly to what was left of her mechanized body. He could feel it crumbling and fading beneath his fingers. "There's still something left! Chise!" And as he spoke, whatever was left in the world disappeared to dust, leaving him alone in the darkness of the empty universe. Alone in what had once been a great flourshing world of life. 「しゅうちゃん．．．」 What's strange is that.... I'm not the kind of person to watch sad things. I mean, I don't try to. I perfer comedic, happy, bouncy things, but sometimes there are just certain kinds of sad stories that just grab me by the heart and pull, and it pulls heart. 「おおきに．．．」 awww man, that's from Grave of the Firelies I'm starting to make myself sadder and sadder. It's like one of those days, I suppose. I mean, you reach a point of boredom that you'll end up looking back on things, and reflecting on things, and it doesn't help that my ipod is on it's "soothing sounds" playlist, which is essencially all of my favorite ballads. BALLADS. That doesn't make the mood much better. In fact, it makes the mood worse, or rather, it makes the mood I'm in more defiant, more real. That what soundtracks are supposed to do, right? Make a moment feel more real? Like when you watch a movie, and you see the sadness and then you hear the sadness and suddenly... you feel the sadness. Isn't it the same thing? Jekyll and Hyde the musical really has some of the best ballads. Right now... I'm listening to In His Eyes and that is one of the best love songs. It's so... sad and loving at the exact time. In his eyes, i see a gentle glow and that is where I'll be safe, I know. Safe in his arms close to his earts but I don't know quite where to start.... By looking in his eyes, will I see beyond tomorrow? By looking in his eyes, will I see beyond the sorrow, that I feel? Will his eyes reveal to me, promises or lies? But he can't conceal from me the love in his eyes... If I'm wise, I will walk away and glady. But sadly, I'm not wise it's hard to tuck away the memory.... that you brought... love is worth forgiving for now I realize. Everything worth living for is there in his eyes! Ha.... I guess I'm just in one of those moods. A mood that's inspiring me to write, maybe? My muses are suddenly overwhelmed with emotion. I don't want to write anything sad... and I'm not the kind of person to write romantic things. I guess.. we'll see... Comment?

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